Death and Cancer

As I write this a woman I have always looked up to is going to pass away sooner or later from cancer. Another life taken far too early. Another devout christian called home too soon.

My heart aches for your family, I can't imagine what they are going through. I remember coming into the lodge in the morning at camp and seeing your smiling face, always ready to take on the day! You have such patience, such a warm, kind heart, such a love and passion for people.

I hope you know how you have impacted the lives of others, and that we will always remember you and hold you in our hearts.

The first time I shaved my head I didn't really know anyone to do it for, I just knew it was something I should do and something I could do. The 2nd time was kind of the same thing, no one specific in mind, I just knew it was something I could do to help the world.

Now there's so many people I wish I could do more for, so many people I could dedicate another head shave to.

And now I don't know what elese to do other than beg God to bring them comfort, and let them know they are loved in their last moments, and hope that maybe someday cancer won't take lives so prematurely.

So much on my mind...

So I'm trying to study for another final tomorrow, but I just have so much on my mind. :S Not just my trip now.

I'm supposed to do an honours thesis in Linguistics next year, but the professor I want to supervise it might not be able to afterall. I won't know for sure for a couple weeks but of course here I am thinking about my options now.

I could:
1) Find a new supervisor in the department.
2) Drop my honours designation from my degree.
3) Try to switch my honours degree to my German degree.

But that being said this supervisor I potentially have now might still be able to. So I guess I should just stop stressing about it and wait to see what happens, then re-evaluate my options.

*Sigh*

2 Weeks!!

I leave for Europe in 2 weeks!! I'm getting so excited that I'm finding it hard to study for school.

Its going to be the most amazing (and perhaps expensive) summer ever!! :D:D

Perhaps I'll even return with a German boyfriend. :P lol jk.

What will I be doing in Germany? Well I'll be in school for 7 weeks, travelling for 3 weeks, and then working for 8 weeks. I'll be back early September. I plan on keeping this blog updated with travel diary type stuff as well as photos hopefully! So stay tuned!!

Time to blog again!

Wow I haven't blogged in some time.

I think its because I don't think anyone is interested in reading what I write, so why write? But then I realized that writing can be therapeutic for myself. And I could use some therapy right now.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up about 2 weeks ago. I'm trying to be okay, but I'm not sure I am. I miss it. I miss all of it, right now I even miss the fighting as sad as that sounds. And I can't just move on, because he's still my best friend. I don't really know how to move on right now, even though I want to. I want to heal and move on with my life.

I'm leaving for Europe in about 2.5 weeks. I'll be gone for 4 months. Maybe that will give me enough time and distance to find some healing. I want to find a soul-mate, I just don't know where to look, or if I'm ready to look. I just don't know. I feel like I've got most of my life on the right track, I'm generally a happy person, I'm going places, I'm attractive...so why doesn't anyone want me?

21

So I'm finally 21, but it doesn't really feel different. I don't really feel any more mature, or any older, or any less busy, or the desire to be less busy.

Life's weird like that...that's all for today.

Resolutions

Hmm I haven't written in awhile. Geez. I guess I just kind of forgot once finals kicked into high gear.

But now its a new year, and a new post. :)

My resolutions:
1) To lose 20 lbs before May
2) To not be so hard on myself
3) To plan less and let things just happen more

Hmm that's about it I think. This weightloss thing is a big one though, I've struggled for a long time with it. I'm not obese by any means, but definitely a bit over weight and I'm tired of it. How am I going to lose this weight you ask?

Well I'm going to go to the gym for 1.5 hours 3 days a week (I get bored if I spend more time than that there). I'm going to join a German dance group! And I'm thinking of playing soccer again. But I don't want to get too involved in things because I always end up dropping stuff when finals come around. Oi. And I'll be working 2 days a week as well. So there's potential for things to pile up. I'm thinking of taking some sort of self-defense or martial arts class though. That would be fun.

I was going to start snowboarding...but Steve (my boyfriend) pointed out it might not be the best sport for me since I get cold really easily, and the cold makes my asthma act up. So maybe I'll just stick to the indoor activities. :)

My last school semester went really well btw. I did drop a course early in the semester and got a W but I pulled off my first 4.0 semester ever! I was pretty proud of myself. :)

Never really belonging...

For most of my life I've never felt like I've "belonged" anywhere. I always feel like an outsider trying to fight her way into the inside. Sometimes I go the other way and try to not fit in and try to push people away, because I know that I'll never truly fit in.

What is this desire to "fit in"? Why don't I feel like I belong.

I think growing up without any extended family has been a part of it. I mean they're family...you're supposed to fit in right? But then when we go visit its always just that, I'm always still just a visiter, never an insider. I'm not even an insider in my own family.

So then I try to latch on to someone else's family, I try to get them to include me in family things. But then I don't get invited to something and I feel like the door is bashed right back into my face and shouts "NO! You don't belong here either!" And the door is right, I don't "belong" to anyone eles's family either.

So I guess I'll just keep searching for somewhere I fit in, somewhere I belong.